A wonderful email from Pet this morning had a firm piece of advice: write it out of you. My mom had the same advice earlier, although given for a less therapeutic purpose. I'll start with this blog, since it's public and I have to be careful what I say. Starting with this blog will give me the opportunity to dance around the subject - to write down the random and chaotic thoughts I've had since last Thursday, without bogging down into the details.

I've sought, and have been offered, advice from a shaman, a pastor, a therapist, a husband, supervisors, managers, friends, and family. It's a wonderful thing that the people in that list overlap. It's a wonderful thing that, so far, no one that matters has lost faith in me.

There is a voice of logic inside my head that whispers that I should be feeling angry. But the emotional side of me just can't seem to be angry over this. I'm feeling victimized, hurt, and scared - but not angry.

I become scared of the quiet.

If this were happening quickly and was completely beyond my control, maybe I could deal with it better. If it were happening slowly, and was completely within my control, I might be able to handle it better. But this feeling of having some amount of control, but knowing that the outcome may very well be independent of my actions is what gets me.

Is anything completely within my control?

The thing is, I still don't know what this is all about, and I have been prevented from finding out what it's all about. That's scary.

The word "evil" pops into my head at random times. Maybe that's a form of anger. It makes me uncomfortable.

A long time ago, I worked for Barnes & Noble Booksellers. Caroline and I were in the breakroom together. She was reading something - I don't know what. Suddenly, she asked me if I believed that evil exists. I said that I do. She asked me to define evil. I had never thought about it before, but the answer immediately came out of my mouth: "Evil means doing something merely because you can get away with it." I still don't know where that came from. Caroline gave me a high five.

This probably has nothing to do with evil. I don't know.

I am a good person. I try to do the right thing. I take risks and I make mistakes. I don't understand why this is happening.

Thank you, Pet.

A bad thing has happened to me. It's ruined my mood for this blog, and a lot of other things I once enjoyed. I thought I could withdraw from life, and remain hidden underground until things got to some basis of normality. That was a foolish thought. I really should have known better. Friends know when something's wrong. Friends ask, and soon all those people I tried to hide from are here by my side, giving me support, comfort, and wisdom.